That moment you look at a photo and don’t recognize yourself
Catching an unexpected glimpse of yourself in a photo, video, or mirror can be unsettling. This disorientation often stems from an internal disconnect—we aren’t seeing the version of our body that we expect.
In my practice, I’ve found that many people carry an image of their past or future selves in their minds, and try to overlay it on their present body. When these mental images clash with reality, panic sets in, which can lead to a sense of helplessness or an urgency to change one’s body, regardless of the consequences.
Do you know what your body looks like?
Not the one-dimensional version captured in an Instagram story, scrutinized in a harshly lit dressing room, or frozen in a fleeting TikTok clip from an “awkward” angle. But what your body really looks like.
If your answer is, “Not really,” or “My mind just went blank,” you’re not alone. It’s surprisingly difficult to truly see ourselves. In fact, many of my clients lack a clear sense of what they actually look like, which I believe is more the norm than the exception.
When I ask clients to look in a mirror and observe their reflection, they often struggle to do so without immediately critiquing their appearance or feeling as though they’re being pulled into a time machine—revisiting a past version or projecting into an imagined future one.
Time traveling with body image
Our past and future selves love to hijack our mirror moments. Do you find yourself time-traveling when it comes to your body? Here are a few ways this might show up:
1. Past nostalgia- You long for a version of your body that you believe was “better” than it is now. This comparison might stem from real physical changes, like an adult woman comparing her current body to her teenage self, or it could be rooted in distorted memories.
It’s common for clients to look at old photos and see themselves clearly now, even though they once viewed those same images through a critical lens. The current body can feel threatening, especially when it’s filtered through dysregulation, fear, or anxiety.
Through this lens, “body goodness” is something that has been lost, often eliciting a sense of shame and urgency to regain this through body modification, or feelings of shame and helplessness that leads to body avoidance.
2. Past disgust- On the flip side, you may remember a version of your body that felt “worse” than it does now, using this as motivation to tightly control your appearance.
This perspective often emerges after changes that bring you closer to rigid societal beauty ideals, like weight loss or cosmetic modifications. Or, you might look back at old photos and cringe, vowing never to look that way again.
For those who’ve lost weight and experienced less weight-stigma as a result, there may be a real fear of losing access to resources if these body changes aren’t maintained.
This lens is preoccupied with controlling one’s body, typically with the goal of protecting oneself from re-experiencing shame, a sense of not belonging, not being “good enough,” or feeling othered. The motivation through this lens is to make sure these painful experiences never happen again.
3. Future perfectionistic- You imagine a future version of yourself where your body finally feels acceptable—when you’ve lost weight, cleared up your skin, or achieved that elusive beauty ideal.
This forward-looking lens often promises relief from body dissatisfaction and monitoring behaviors. It provides a perceived sense of control, offering hope that, with the right changes, body hatred will be a thing of the past.
This lens often buffers from feelings of despair and allows for a sense of actionable control.
4. Future despair- You might also envision a future where your body remains unacceptable or worsens with age. This lens can lead to feelings of hopelessness, sometimes hardening into apathy or a deep sense of disconnection from your physical self.
Cultural messages about aging often fuel these feelings, reinforcing a sense of inadequacy and loss.
Through this lens, the idea of changing one’s body or changing how one feels about their body feels insurmountable, so dissociation from one’s physical body, whether through avoiding mirrors, being in public spaces, or greatly disconnecting from one’s felt sense of their body, becomes a primary way of coping.
The present moment as an antidote for poor body image
In any great time traveling book or movie plot, eventually the protagonist has to learn to live in the present moment, and figure out how to accept a past they can’t change or relive and a future they can’t control or fully predict.
In my practice, I support clients in learning how to be safely in their present body, while providing space to grieve what no longer is or never will be.
Safety is key. The time-traveling states I described above also correspond with different nervous system threat responses- fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and/or collapse. Therefore, bringing our body image into the here and now involves bringing ourselves into a felt sense of safety.
I work with clients at their own pace, regularly checking in, and offering the support of my own regulated nervous system. Free from the loops of body image time-traveling, we can begin to build a meaningful life in the present, rooted in respect, dignity, and hope for our bodies.
If you’re interested in receiving professional support around developing a new relationship with your body, rooted in the here and now, reach out.
