How do I navigate accepting my body but also wanting to lose weight? Or is that just not possible?
My friend texted me this question the other day, and I spent a lot of time thinking about all the things I wanted to tell her that wouldn’t fit into a text. My long-form answer is below. This also inspired a new series of posts that are more informal and focused on asking common questions my clients have, that they may not be able to ask elsewhere.
(Have a question that you want answered in a future blog post? Ask me in an anonymous form here!)
“How do I navigate accepting my body but also wanting to lose weight? Or is that just not possible? 🤣”
Hi friend,
Before we go any further, I invite you to take a second to pause, perhaps with one hand on your heart and the other on your belly and breathe slowly and deeply. Maybe do it again. Maybe do it ten seconds longer than what feels natural. 🙂
Embracing the Struggle
First of all, you’re a real one for that question. I hear competing longings present in what you’re asking, and I want to honor that this shit* is so hard. The more regulated and grounded we can be coming to these questions, the better.
(*Sidenote: I know some people say swearing is for those with a small vocabulary, but my vocabulary happens to be pretty robust and personally, I think the word “shit” is really the best word for the job here.)
The Weight of Expectations
Ok, now let’s get into it. Right now, it feels like the whole world wants you to lose weight, and if your doctor offered you a GLP-1, saying no would be about as easy for you as it is for my Midwestern self to leave any social gathering without saying goodbye at least five times (read: highly difficult).
I want to be clear that I’m not going to tell you what to do. One, because I believe in body autonomy, which means honoring people’s right to do what they will with their bodies all the time, not just when their choices align with my personal values and preferences.
Two, I believe that supporting people in making choices about their bodies and playing out the consequences (positive and negative) is important in building body trust in a world that is so ready to tell you that it knows better than you do about your own body.
Three, I’m thin. I was born thin and I will probably die thin and I’ve done nothing to deserve it, create it, earn it, or maintain it, so while I strongly believe people in all bodies deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and care at the size they are right now, without having to lose weight, I also don’t think fat people need another self-righteous thin preacher to tell them how to navigate their lived experience.
Making Informed Choices
I want to offer you some very important considerations that you might not hear from anyone else, because another, often overlooked, part of body autonomy is the right to informed consent.
If you’re reading this, I’m almost positive you have tried (and probably succeeded) at losing weight at least once (but probably more than 5 times and as many as 50 times) in your life. So I’m going to remind you of something that you may find so annoying but also happens to be so true.
Weight loss does not sustain. 95% of people who lose weight gain it back. Can you imagine any other situation in which you’d engage in a process that has a 95% failure rate?
To paraphrase Hillary Duff speaking to Chad Michael Murray, “Waiting for [weight loss attempts to work] is like waiting for rain in this drought, useless and disappointing.”
Your Mind is Not a Dictator
You don’t have to try and stop having thoughts about losing weight. In fact, I’m not sure that’s entirely possible. Weight-loss is the cultural water we’re swimming in, so it’s only normal that you may have thoughts about losing weight.
But you are free not to act on these thoughts, and as I often tell my clients, “Choosing not to do something is a choice.”
As we begin to interrogate if losing weight is really our value or one that we’ve been conditioned to believe, we may decide this thought can stay a thought, without having to lead to actions.
Many people define eating disorder recovery as a full absence from thoughts or urges, and I think that is often an unfair or unrealistic standard. Instead, what if the goal was to feel clear on what’s true, important and right to ourselves, and an increased ability to more quickly notice when our minds are pulling us off course and subsequently come back to our wisest selves?
Defining What Health Means to You
If health is meaningful to you, I want to let you know that you don’t need to lose weight to pursue health (in fact, actively not pursuing weight-loss, can be a health-promoting behavior). I encourage you to think about what health or being healthy means to you.
Wanting to experience less pain, have more energy, sleep better, or reduce the likelihood of pain and/or illness later in life are a few of many possible ways we may define health. There are so many actions you can take to increase the odds of experiencing these things without attempting to lose weight!
There’s No Cure for Being Human
Another hard pill to swallow is that we also don’t have full control over our health. There’s no green juice, supplement, medication, meditation, or surgery that cures being human, aka experiencing pain, living in fallible bodies, and eventually dying.
Yep, that escalated quickly but it had to be said. At some point, healthism and wellness culture have tricked us into pursuing perfect health, which leads us trapped in an unending sprint towards a finish line that doesn’t exist. This is scary and potentially deeply unfair, and I will shake my fist at the sky alongside you.
Imagine Living Unencumbered by Beauty’s Cage
But, at some point, when you’re ready, let’s imagine what a different way of living could look like. One where, to paraphrase the poet Ada Limon, you get to live unencumbered by beauty’s cage. Let’s talk about the fact that you deserve a life far greater and richer than one defined by the size of your body.
When my clients begin to give up pursuing weight loss, transformative things happen. They begin to try out hobbies they never had time for because they were always busy going to two-a-day classes at that gym they hated. Now, they spend their free time doing things that make them happy, like throwing pottery, coming up with dumb and hilarious lines in their improv classes, and nurturing vast collections of house plants.
They find forms of movement that they love, now that they no longer have to pick the one that promises to burn the most calories in the shortest amount of time. They snowshoe, salsa dance, and play pickleball. They thought they hated yoga but learn they really just hated doing it in a 108 degree room at 5 am. They thought they hated running but learn they actually love it when they feed their bodies enough yummy food and take rest days. Oh, and they rest when they are tired or sick.
They begin to see their bodies as more than just a collection of parts. They tell me this is the first summer they have ever gotten in the swimming pool with their kids and their six-year old declares it the best day of summer so far because “mom is swimming.”
When they no longer feel subjugated by oppressive beauty ideals, they question what their actual preferences are and in the process become more wholly themselves.
You Deserve More
I believe you deserve a life full of radical love, freedom, pleasure and belonging. I will never stop wanting that for you and everyone else in this world. And I don’t think an ongoing pursuit of weight loss will take you there.
An Ongoing Practice
Get ready to recommit yourself to this work throughout your life- diet culture, the weight loss industry, and beauty ideals will continue to reinvent themselves. You don’t drink water once and expect it to keep you hydrated for the rest of your life.
Swimming upstream is not the easiest path; finding people who are further along in this work who can encourage you is important.
Your Body is Not an Accident
Spending time in nature can quickly remind us that the existence of diverse bodies is not only intentional but important and worth protecting.
I fully believe this world needs you and your body in it.
If you are interested in receiving ongoing, professional support around finding a different way of belonging to yourself and experiencing your body, reach out.
